Sex: You need to talk about it with your kids – Julie Hahn

One of the mothers of our Year 7 class was teaching her daughter about sex. Every lunch time her daughter gave us a little bit more information.  We listened, snickered and stuck our noses up in the air, as Year 7 girls tend to do. We made remarks such as ‘That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Nobody would ever do that!’

I got the job of going home to ask my mother to validate the latest gory details. After all, my mum was a nurse for three months, so she must have known something about sex. So I’d go home, ask her direct questions and receive direct answers. And I’d report back to the girls.

Whether mum figured out that there was a whole class-full of girls clinging to her every word, I’m not sure. But I’m glad she was open enough to answer questions.

There were no books available to our family back then. Any book that might have been useful in the school-library had been coloured in by a censor. No wonder the kids of the day thought you had to be a doctor or nurse to know about sex.

When our own children were little, things were much different. The impending birth of our son when the kids were 5, 6 and 8 years old gave us a fantastic opportunity to give information in a matter-of-fact way.

We found some books that were helpful, especially our favourite called ‘Who made me?’ by Malcolm and Meryl Doney, and illustrated by Nick Butterworth and Mick Inkpen. ‘Who made me?’ had simple language, cute pictures and analogies that the kids could relate to: bits that fitted together like jigsaw puzzle pieces, and fruit and vegetables that illustrated the size of the baby as it grew inside mum’s tummy.

Sex was described as the most fun game that mummies and daddies can play. This book spoke about sex as a beautiful gift within the context of marriage…Bonus! That gave us the opportunity to place a lock on our bedroom door – and explain to our kids that if the lock was in operation, we might be playing that game so, best for them to leave us alone.

We also had the opportunity to accompany our children to sex-ed nights at school. The guest speakers gave the audience the facts about anatomy and physiology.  Then they directed each child to ask their parent who was sitting next to them ‘In your family, what do you call this bit?’

These were informative nights that answered the questions that most children ask, and most parents get embarrassed about. We liked them – apart from the question-time at the end, where we would hope and pray that it was not our child who put up their hand to ask more questions that embarrassed parents.

Our youngest had a different up-bringing to his older siblings, largely because issues that the others were dealing with were often discussed quite freely around the dinner table. The girls were having a discussion about periods one night while I kept trying to change the subject. Acknowledging defeat I asked their little brother, as casually as I could, if he knew what periods were. His answer… ‘When girls get grumpy!’

In our church we have a resource library for parents, available to the whole community. One of the resources available is a cd called ‘The Big Weekend’. Produced by the parenting place.com it is specifically designed for parents and their child (aged about 11 years old) to play in the car’s cd drive while they go for a weekend trip.

‘The Big Weekend’ talks about sex and other issues that kids may face, such as self-esteem, bullying, sexuality and depression.

It’s really engaging and is presented in a way that is non-threatening for either parent or child and invites discussion through its use of humour. Chris took Noah on a ‘Big Weekend’ and they found it great. It enhanced their relationship and gave them some great memories that they can share together.

As our kids faced senior school, each of them came home with stories about class-mates who were pregnant. Too often, these young people were from devoutly religious homes. I’ve read books that tell Christian parents to use a flower as the way to teach their adult child about sex … and that’s it!  No other information offered!

If Christian parents can’t recognise that God has given us the gift of sex for our marriage relationship, and pass that on to our kids, who will?  If we feel too embarrassed to speak about sex with them, they will find out in other ways – and the results can be traumatic. Knowing about sex and practicing protective behaviours keeps our kids safer, and gives them the vocabulary to talk about it if ever necessary.

‘There’s no such thing as ‘values-free sex education’.

‘There’s no such thing as ‘values-free sex education’*. People usually learn the values that are associated with sex from the context in which they learn about sex. If people learn about sex behind the school shed; in the context of sexual abuse; in a marriage or relationship where sex is expected but not explained; from lobby groups who have their own agendas; or more than likely from television, movies and the internet, they will also take on board the values with which it is presented.

Is what the kids see on MTV the way we would like them to look at their sexuality?

If we as parents teach about sex, we earn the right to teach our values.

If we are too shy to speak about sex, do we have the right to expect our children to adhere to our values. Or do we think that they will know our values by a simple process of osmosis?

In the context of sexuality in our world, future generations will need to be able to communicate clearly and openly about sex among other issues. How can Christians ever be invited to take part in open, frank, respectful conversations about marriage, relationships and sexuality if they are perceived as never talking about sex?

The most powerful mechanism by which we can change that perception is by parents being open with their kids.  Parents need to intentionally pass on their values openly, frankly and respectfully, in word and through modelling behaviour.

As parents we have the privilege of being able to influence our children’s attitudes to sex. Whether we are embarrassed or shy doesn’t take away our responsibility to teach our children about sex and the values we have about it. After all, if we don’t, somebody else will.

 

Previously published as ‘Bye-Bye Birds and Bees’ in The Lutheran magazine, 2012.  

*The Parenting Place

 

A scientist – and he’s a Christian: Can science and Christianity work together?

One of our kids had a teacher who thought that all Christians are ignorant and just lack common sense because ‘they don’t believe in science’. My daughter evidently put up her hand in his class and said, ‘My dad’s a scientist — and he’s a Christian’.

A couple weeks later I met that teacher at a parent-teacher interview. He explained that the class was expected to look scientifically at the biology course, regardless of their, as he emphasised, ‘religious convictions’.

As he said that, he looked at me as though he was expecting a reaction. But I smiled and said, ‘That’s fair enough. We don’t have an issue with that. My husband is a scientist. He has done demonstrations in science classes in previous years. Perhaps he can help in your class.’

We wondered at the teacher’s view that Christians can’t agree with science, but then recalled several radio interviews, seminars, some books, articles and letters to editors where Christians had given themselves and others a bad name. To be honest, as a Christian who likes to learn ‘stuff’ and who enjoys debating, investigating and challenging the thoughts and beliefs of others, I do sometimes cringe at what I hear people say in the name of Christianity, when I believe they’d be hard-pressed to find any biblical support for what they are saying.

Being married to a scientist who is also a Christian, I am becoming more and more aware of his colleagues and also world-renowned researchers who are also both scientists and Christians.

I find it interesting that when they are asked ‘creation versus science’ questions in particular, their answers are often guarded and vague — not because they want to avoid the debate, but because they are more aware of the complexity of the issue than most of us. I do know that the more my husband studies and researches, the more he is fascinated and awe-struck by the wonders of God’s creation. Often, that is the answer he gives to those ‘creation versus science’ questions.

Science is about understanding the world in which we live. It is about finding out reasons and evidence for things happening, and answering questions, using reproducible, repeatable experiments that are measured against appropriate ‘controls’ or ‘constants’.

Science needs to be totally consistent: So we find that ‘good’ science always backs up other ‘good’ science. As such, Chris and I have never found any ‘good’ science that has disproved what is written in the Bible. Good science looks at data objectively — regardless of our world view.

Scientists know that science doesn’t ‘prove’ anything conclusively — though it can disprove conclusively. So, there are questions worth keeping at the back of our mind whenever we hear of any new ‘scientific proof’.

  • There is usually more than one way to interpret results and statistical data. Is this the only way in which these results could be interpreted? How reliable is the interpretation? How recent is the paper in which it was written? Has it been peer-reviewed — that is, assessed by other experts in the same field who have a ‘neutral’ interest?
  • Who is putting forward the evidence? Has the evidence been produced by somebody with a ‘vested interest’, such as a company that sells a particular product? For example: diet products and herbal remedies are often promoted by companies who will benefit from sales of their particular recommended therapies – in the same way that Coca-Cola is not likely to promote Pepsi.
  • If the article is from the internet, which type of website does it come from?  Very generally,  .com represents a commercial enterprise, .org is a not-for-profit organisation, .edu is an educational institution and .gov is a government website.

All those questions could be summed up by ‘How biased is the scientific viewpoint?’

Sometimes there needs to be a debate. In every culture there are commonly held beliefs that affect the way we look at life and interpret the things that happen around us. This is what we call a paradigm.

During the Black Plague in the fourteenth century, people believed that cats were associates of Satan. So a law was passed that people were obliged to destroy cats. Eventually, somebody noticed that those people who defied the law and kept cats domestically were surviving the plague. Some rudimentary research was undertaken and it was discovered that cats protected people from the plague because the cats killed the rats which were spreading the disease. The law was repealed, and that was the end of the plague. (Julie’s simplified version!) It was also the end of that ‘paradigm’ — what we call a paradigm shift.

Without Galileo or Columbus challenging the paradigm in which they lived, we may very well still be thinking that the world is flat. Without Pasteur challenging others with his Germ Theory of Disease, we may never have learned about bacteria or viruses. At the moment, Western science is caught up in an evolutionary paradigm. Belief often lies behind a hypothesis. We need to be aware of that and, like Galileo, Columbus and the cat breeders during the Black Plague, we need to follow our convictions with an open mind, willing to learn and investigate, until truth wins through.

Christians recognise our Creator’s work in the beginning of the universe. But it’s probably wiser to leave the details to God, than to argue using our own limited logic or understanding.

If it’s not written in the Bible, let’s not pretend it is. Let’s become so familiar with what God’s word does say, that we don’t get caught up arguing about issues that may not matter in the long run, which cause wars between evolutionists and creationists – who might end up with more in common than they think.

Let’s not get caught up arguing about stuff that takes our focus off what God does want us to know. And let’s remember that it is up to us as Christians to love our neighbour as ourselves — regardless of each other’s beliefs.

 

Originally published in The Lutheran, 2011, March edition as

‘Where’s The Proof? in the ‘Heart and Home’ column, by Julie Hahn

http://www.thelutheran.com.au/

 

Book review of  ‘In the beginning’ by Patricia White

By Jeckyl (Julie Hahn) on February 28, 2016

Verified Purchase

Confused about evolution vs creation? Patricia White’s explanation in ‘In The Beginning’ is simple but also eloquent. This small but informative book clarifies the similarities and nullifies the mythical chasm between creationists and evolutionists. It is concise but, through its use of scientific and biblical references, expands opportunity for intelligent discussion instead of misinformed debate . Highly recommended for children, their parents, and anyone interested in learning how science and faith can and do work together.

http://www.amazon.com/In-Beginning-Patricia-White/dp/0990611612

 

Holy Handbags: Christian as a brand-name

 

It was BIG! It was fancy and it was very, very expensive.

We wandered around with our mouths gaping wide at the opulence of the Opryland Hotel. The ceilings were so high we almost couldn’t see them. Birds flew around us and then flew upwards into the canopy of tropical rainforest palms. While private rooms and suites formed the perimeter of the hotel, inside, under the main roof, were streets and arcades. There were conference rooms among ballrooms, ice-cream parlours next to saloons, beauty boutiques among fashion shops, florists and toyshops.

As we passed by a conference room, we noticed the paraphernalia displayed by sales representatives in the lobby outside. We looked with interest, surprised by the variety of ‘Christian’ items available on the market: stickers, birthday cards, wall plaques and children’s Bibles complete with colouring pencils.

But as we continued to look, we recognised ‘normal’ things that were labelled with ‘Christian’ symbols or texts, with prices to rival any Nike or Billabong product. My imagination ran away with all sorts of other advertising gimmicks: ‘Holy Handbags’, ‘Heaven Scent!’, ’Perfume of Paradise’, ‘Jesus Jeans’.

My eyes opened a little further that day – and unfortunately I think I became quite cynical.

What is a ‘Christian handbag’ anyway?

Does it make me holier if I use a ruler with a cross printed on it, rather than one I bought from the local newsagency?

At which stage does a pencil become a ‘Christian’ pencil? Is it born again when it goes through the printing press?

Obviously, ‘Christian’ sells. We only have to remember Christmas sales and the consumption of chocolate in Australia at Easter.

But where is the boundary between ‘Christian’ as we followers of Christ would call ourselves and ‘Christian’ as a brand-name? Should we trust everything that is called ‘Christian’? Should we distrust everything that is not marketed as ‘Christian’? Should we trust that everything sold in a ‘Christian’ bookshop is good, and reject other products on that basis?

How do we figure out what is good and what is not? It’s called discernment. And where do we get it? Good question.

I was once told about the people whose job it is to identify fake American dollar notes from real notes. What are their instructions? Instead of knowing every type of fake note available, they are to become so familiar with the real notes that any slight variation from the truth is very obvious.

As Christians we have the truth available to us in the Bible. If we become so familiar with truth by knowing the Word and have the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we too can learn to spot a phoney a mile off. That is discernment.

As Lutherans, we have the legacy of Luther’s Small Catechism which Luther wrote for parents to teach their children. An added bonus of the catechism is that it teaches us to ask continually: ‘What does this mean?’ It encourages us to keep asking, keep searching, keep knocking until we have answers. Searching for answers helps us to find discernment.

We have a banquet of books and other resources available to us. Some are classics, some are fun. Some are religious, some are Christian… Some are rubbish.

Reading, to some of us, is an absolute joy. To some of us, writing, too, is a joy and a privilege. But nothing compares to the word of God in teaching truth.

No books – not even Christian books or bible concordances – should ever take the place of our study of the word of God.

Max Lucado points out that Christians too often rely on somebody else’s interpretation of Scripture instead of reading it themselves; and that makes as much sense as eating what somebody else has already half-digested. In the same way, we miss out on discernment if we rely on others to pre-digest our knowledge.

Discernment cannot be passed on: we must grow it ourselves.

Don’t stop reading other books – but remember that God’s word is truth. How does the Christian book you are reading stand up against God’s word? Is it consistent with the Bible’s teachings, and does God’s love and grace shine through? Are the Scriptures that are quoted used ‘in context’?

John MacArthur from Grace Community Church once gave a sermon titled, ‘Mary had a little lamb’. MacArthur strung a collection of Bible verses together, completely out of context. It was the funniest sermon I have ever heard – but he made the point very effectively that words and verses from the Bible can easily be made to say what anybody wants them to say.

Discernment looks at any verse in the light of the whole of God’s truth.

There are plenty of things on the market and even in our churches these days that appeal to ‘good, Christian folk’, and being a Christian does not protect us from sales-pitches. Some marketers actually take advantage of the trusting nature of Christians!

There are some valid questions that may help us learn to be more discerning; before we read a book, get involved in a program, sign up for a new course, a new roof, a diet plan, sponsorship, cosmetics… anything that is sold in Jesus’ name:

  • Does it glorify God or itself?
  • Does it edify (build up) God’s church?
  • What does it cost, and who will benefit from the cost?
  • Where will the money go?
  • Is there any level of secrecy  i.e. do you have to be a member or make a purchase or commitment in order to find out what it’s about, and are you allowed to share or discuss it with others?
  • What kind of language is being used: Is it ‘sales’ talk; does it use big words that you may have heard of but don’t really understand?
  • What are the claims: Is this the ‘only’ way, the ‘best’, ‘God’s way’, the ‘newest’?
  • What is the response if you say, ‘I will need to go home and pray about it’?

Perhaps if something is advertised as ‘Christian’, it may be worthwhile to bring out your cynical stick. But better still…

‘Keep sound wisdom and discretion: so they will be life to your soul, and grace for your neck. Then you shall walk in your way securely. Your foot won’t stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid. Yes, you will lie down, and your sleep will be sweet.‘ (Proverbs 3:21–24 WEB).

 

 

Originally published as ‘Holy Handbags’ in the Heart and Home column in The Lutheran, 2008, September Issue.  

www.thelutheran.com.au